|NOTE: This is a follow up to A Men's Room Monologue so please make sure to watch that one first.|
The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows that is where you are headed.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal: There must be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the floor, feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think you are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.
7) Wash hands.
8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."
A Women's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom:
1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only after checking every available stall.
2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that other bitch who entered when you did.
3) Mutter "Slut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you will get it.
4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off all germs.
6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper! Germs are bad!
7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper between you and the seat. Germs are bad!
9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly, because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll. Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get germs from the seat!
11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for the germs!
12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that was exposed to germs!
19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make your move to counter/mirror section.
21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible from that bitch who took your stall.
22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is all wrong!
23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.
24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at least 2 minutes doing this.
25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall her clothes are gross.
27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall scoffs at you.
28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast ... You were really quick this time!
Here's an alternate list for Women:
1. Try to beat all other women into the restroom because there is always a line and if you let a few in front of you, you could have another 15 minute wait.
2. Never go to the first stall or stalls directly in front of the mirrors and basins as someone might be able to see in the stall. Never ever go to a stall without toilet paper.
3. Enter and lock the stall. (If it doesn't lock or have toilet paper, look for the next stall) Look for a relatively save place to lay down anything you are carrying (since we NEVER have pockets).
4. The toilet seat liners are always all gone so just hope the person who made the toilet seat lid warm before you sat down isn't carrying a life threatening disease. If the bathroom is really scary, then line it with toilet paper to be safe or hang over the seat to go.
5. While going, pull off a handful of toilet paper. Never ever drip dry. If you forgot to look first for toilet paper and there isn't any, ask for toilet paper from someone nearby. Flush.
6. Walk to sink and try to find a dry clean place to lay down any items you might be carrying or hold them between your legs.
7. Wash hands with soap. The dirtier the bathroom, the longer you wash them.
8. Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and go get a handful of toilet paper from the nearest empty stall. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING!
9. On the way out of the bathroom, try to figure out how to get out with re-touching the door handle.
10.Find boyfriend/husband outside. You knew he would get out there before you because he doesn't have to pull down his pants all the way to go, nor does he wash his hands appropriately.
11.Hope the soap you washed your hands with is enough to kill the germs he carried out with him.
Types Of Girls You Might See In The Restroom
Sloppy - Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.
Timid - Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.
Frivolous - Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
Literary - Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.
Cautious - Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.
Worried - A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.
Cross-Eyed - Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.
Big Time - Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.
Conceited - Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips. Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
Hardy Girl - Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep time, farts loudly and with great glee.
Drunk - Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs, suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to pull down her panties. Continues peeing and sobbing.
The I Don't Care Girl - Just squats and fires away.
Stuboorn Girl - Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but will try again.